Gaslighting, love bombing, breadcrumbing, and avoiding video or meeting (including on the Dating.com dating site)
Online dating has a funny way of making smart people doubt themselves. You can be rational in every other part of your life, then find yourself staring at your phone thinking, “Maybe I am overreacting,” after someone leaves you on read for three days and returns with a smiley face. That’s the trap: online dating runs on small signals, gaps in information, and hope. And hope is powerful.
Whether you’re swiping locally or meeting people internationally on platforms like the Dating.com dating site, the biggest mistakes usually aren’t dramatic. They’re subtle. People ignore early red flags because the person is attractive, because the conversation is exciting, or because they want the story to work. This article is a reality check—without the doom. The point isn’t to become paranoid. It’s to stop handing your time to patterns that rarely improve.
1) Gaslighting: when your reality gets negotiated
Gaslighting isn’t just “someone disagrees with you.” It’s when a person repeatedly tries to make you question your memory, your feelings, or your reasonable expectations—so they don’t have to take responsibility.
What it looks like in online dating:
- You bring up a clear issue (“You cancelled twice last minute”) and they reply:
“You’re being dramatic. That never happened.” - You ask for basic clarity (“Are we still meeting?”) and they say:
“Wow, you’re so controlling.”
Why people ignore it:
Because it often starts softly. The first time, it sounds like a misunderstanding. The second time, you start wondering if you really are “too sensitive.” And by the third time, you’re explaining yourself instead of noticing the pattern.
A quick self-check:
If you find yourself constantly writing long messages to justify normal needs—consistency, honesty, basic respect—that’s a sign you’re being pulled into someone else’s fog.
What to do:
Keep it simple. Don’t debate your reality.
- “I’m looking for consistent communication and follow-through. This doesn’t feel aligned, so I’m going to step back.”
2) Love bombing: fast intensity that skips real trust
Love bombing is not just someone being enthusiastic. It’s when intensity is used as a shortcut—big compliments, big emotions, big future talk—before a person has earned closeness.
Common love bombing lines:
- “I’ve never felt this connection before.” (after two days)
- “You’re different from everyone.” (before they know you)
- “I can see us building a life together.” (before you’ve met)
If you’re on an international platform or a site where people chat longer before meeting (which can happen on the Dating.com dating site), love bombing can feel even more convincing because you’re spending a lot of time in messages. Your brain starts filling in the blanks with an ideal version of the person.
Why people ignore it:
Because it feels good. And after a long dry spell, “feels good” can be persuasive.
The giveaway:
Love bombing usually comes with one of two things:
- Pressure (to commit, to share private details, to move faster than you’re comfortable), or
- Inconsistency (big words, small actions).
What to do:
Slow it down, politely.
- “I’m enjoying talking, but I prefer to take things step by step. A call and a simple plan to meet would help me feel grounded.”
A secure person respects this. A love bomber often reacts with guilt-tripping or drama.
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3) Breadcrumbing: tiny effort to keep you available
Breadcrumbing is when someone gives just enough attention to keep you interested, but not enough to build anything real. It’s the dating equivalent of snacking instead of eating a meal.
What it looks like:
- Random “Hey stranger” messages after disappearing
- Flirty replies with no follow-up
- “We should meet” but never picking a day
- Talking in circles when you suggest a call or date
Why people ignore it:
Because it keeps the hope alive. And because it can be intermittent—some days they’re warm, other days they vanish. That intermittent reward pattern is addictive.
The reality:
If you’ve been talking for weeks and you don’t have a call, a date plan, or any real progression, you don’t have momentum—you have entertainment.
What to do:
Offer one clean next step, then watch behavior.
- “I’d like to meet. I’m free Thursday or Sunday—does either work?”
If they dodge twice without offering alternatives, that’s your answer.
4) Avoiding video or meeting: the modern “nothing real is going to happen” sign
Not everyone loves video calls. Some people are shy. Some prefer meeting in person. That’s fair. The red flag isn’t “no video.” The red flag is no verification and no meeting, indefinitely.
On online dating, and especially on global dating setups, avoiding video can sometimes signal:
- they’re not who they claim to be,
- they’re already in a relationship,
- they’re not actually available to date,
- they’re keeping you as a fantasy connection.
What it looks like:
- “My camera is broken” forever
- “I hate calls” but also “I can’t meet yet” with no timeline
- Repeated excuses without proposing alternatives
What to do:
You don’t need to accuse. You just need standards.
- “I’m comfortable continuing if we can do a quick call/video and then plan a meet. If that doesn’t work for you, I understand.”
If they’re serious, they’ll find a way.
5) The “too busy” pattern: constant excuses with zero reschedule effort
Busy is normal. Avoidance is different. A healthy adult who wants to meet you will offer alternatives.
Green flag busy:
“This week is packed, but I’m free next Wednesday. Want to plan something?”
Red flag busy:
“Sorry, crazy week” (repeated) and nothing else.
If you’re always waiting for them to “become available,” you’re not dating—you’re hovering.
6) The “victim story” with urgency: sympathy used as leverage
Some people use hard-luck stories early to bond fast. It can be real trauma. It can also be a manipulation tool.
Signs it’s becoming leverage:
- The story arrives very early and very heavy
- They suggest you’re the only person who understands
- They hint at needing money, help, or special exceptions
- They pressure you to prove loyalty quickly
Especially on international platforms, this can overlap with scam patterns. You don’t need to assume bad intent—but you do need to protect yourself.
A safe response:
- “I’m sorry you went through that. I’m not able to help financially or get involved in crisis situations with someone I don’t know yet.”
7) Subtle disrespect: jokes that land like insults
A lot of early disrespect is disguised as humor:
- “You’re probably high maintenance.”
- “You’re lucky I replied.”
- “I bet you talk to a lot of guys/girls.”
If you feel slightly small after their “joke,” pay attention. In healthy dating, you should feel more like yourself—not less.
8) How to respond without getting pulled into drama
Here’s the simplest way to handle red flags: stop arguing with them. You don’t need a courtroom-level case. You need a boundary.
A few clean exit lines:
- “I don’t think we’re a match, but I wish you well.”
- “I’m looking for consistency and clarity. This doesn’t feel aligned for me.”
- “I prefer to move forward with someone who can plan and follow through.”
Short, calm, done.
The big takeaway: look for patterns, not potential
People ignore red flags because they’re focused on the person’s potential—who they might become if they just felt safe, healed, had more time, met you in person, got less stressed, etc. But in online dating, especially on platforms like the Dating.com dating site, your safest bet is to date the pattern you’re seeing now.
A good connection doesn’t require you to decode mixed signals. It doesn’t require you to beg for basic effort. It feels clear, steady, and respectful—even in the early stages.
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